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Plantation Or Bust

I always like to go to new places, like, say Plantation, Florida, which I’m visiting on my upcoming book tour. But I’m a little worried by the ambiguity of the city’s motto: “The grass is greener.” Do they mean there is no place so verdant as Plantation? Or are they warning me not to unpack, to drive on by, because any place is better than their stinkhole town?

But every city has a soul, and at least a little something to charm visitors. I’m sure Plantation is no exception. It served as a backdrop for a couple of Hollywood movies, after all—”Something About Mary” and “Caddyshack.” I intend to find something to write home about there, and in all the tour stops in Florida and Texas, plus Chicago, Minneapolis, San Francisco, Boston and Seattle.

In Seattle it’s a no-brainer. I’m heading straight for the famous Wall of Gum. Minneapolis has a mall the size of Tunisia, which might be fun, and Chicago has two feet of snow and the blues. Dallas has, uh, well, all those Bush vibes that make you shiver, plus chicken-fried steak. And New York has…well, everything. I’ll be kicking off the tour on The Today Show there on Friday… If you want to follow my tracks, check out my new “appearances” page at….


5 Responses
  1. Scot Colford says:

    Plantation’s motto reminds me of a small village about an hour north of Dayton, OH that I sometimes drove through as a teenager. A large sign at the town border announced to passers-by:


    “Only nice people live here!”

    (Population 1,205)

    Well, that’s a comforting thought at first… but what did they do with all the mean, nasty, or just plain grumpy people? (Cue theme song from Village of the Damned.) Is that why the population is so small?

  2. Maybe they mean you have to dry it in the microwave before you, uh, cook with it.

  3. Jessica,I used to go to Florida with my family every christmas in the deluxe RV.(old schoolbus)
    I loooved Daytona Beach,Clear Water Florida and Kissimme which is only 15 mintutes from the Magic Kingdom.I even swam with a 900 lb.Great White shark in the Key largo bay of the Florida keys.Found out later that Great Whites don’t always stay in Australia.The next summer the Jaws movie came to Theatre about another Great White.Which, convinced me that… snorkling’s not really my passion afterall so I quickly gave up {ALL water sports.}

    Anyway,I decided to take my new wife down to Disney and I couldn’t wait to show her the sleepy town of Kissimme.I had often spoke warmly about this sleepy little town with that laid back feeling.With great anticipation we arrived to FIND…a cocrete MAZE of super highways with horns blowing and screetching tires.We stopped andstumbling out of the rental as I muttered ___”OH,MY GOD,….they…..THEY…. turned it into HELL” !! my wife saw that I was in agony and began soooth me by gently singing ” they paved over paradise and put up a parking lot” :0(

    On another note jessica,…. I’m wondering…. when your coming to Canada ??I can tell you that we are nuts about you up here in the land of the froozen snowball.WE have almost 40 million people in Canada __NOW and god help us if most of them wouldn’t vote for you as the next Prime Minister or at the VERY LEAST a Member of Parliment.If you can’t show up because of something more important than us :(……./at least/… rent a jet and fly over Canada throwing books out the door with your autograph.

    • Haha! I would LOVE to be P.M. of Canada! I would fly all citizens to Florida for the month of February and have bi-weekly screenings of “Phantom Of The Paradise.”
      You guys are the BEST!!

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