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I heard that Sweetheart Valentine’s Day candy is the holiday’s biggest seller. They’re those little hearts made by Necco (yep, purveyor of your favorite wafers), ya know, the ones that have messages stamped on them like, “Kiss me” or “Puppy love.”

Well, Necco, in an attempt to get with the century, has added a couple of new messages this year: “Text me” and “Tweet me.” (Yes, they already have “Email me,” and yes, they dumped “Fax me.” ) These new entries intrigued me so much, I almost bought a huge bag of Sweethearts today, just to see if I could find one of those up-to-the-minute hearts. I thought I could send them to my kids, who would then be fooled into thinking I was a savvy, techno-smart Valentine sender and not the bonehead they’d thought I was. But, realizing that examining roughly 1000 candy hearts was actually a useless time-sucker, I chose instead to shop for some useful, calorie-free Valentine’s Day gifts that are appropriate for crabby cooks.

If you know a crabby cook youi’d like to sweeten up on the 14^th, check out this heart paring knife, these heart measuring spoons, or a lovely heart egg molder. Just don’t follow up with a request that she cook Valentine’s Day dinner for you with her new utensils or she might whack you with her heart spatula.

BTW: If you find those sweethearts with the new messages, text me. Or tweet me. (Don’t fax me. That’s so last year.)

P.S. This just in: my friend David Coleman points out that you can really impress the kids if you click here to design and send them an electronic sweetheart message. As Dave says, “All the saccharine, none of the calories!”