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Killer Biscuits

Once in a while, a research study comes along that you can really be grateful for, that has real relevance to your life. I was thrilled to read about such a study in the UK, called Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation.

The study was initiated by the company that makes Rocky Chocolate Biscuits, a popular brand in the UK, when they became aware of the stunning number of biscuit-related injuries sustained by British citizens. But, as you well know, it ain’t just the Brits who’ve been wounded in cookie mishaps.

I mean, who hasn’t gotten poked in the eye by one, or scalded by dipping the thing in way-too-hot tea? These are the most commonly reported injuries, but I can also totally relate to the many victims who have fallen off their chairs while reaching for the little buggers. (In my case it was those damn Pepperidge Farm Bordeaux.)

People also report being wounded by flying biscuit fragments, cookie shrapnel if you will. I get that; I have used graham crackers in this manner as weapons against unruly siblings and have suffered abrasions when my brothers retaliated in kind.

There was even a report of a guy who got caught in wet cement after he stepped in it to retrieve a runaway cookie. I could see this happening to me, but it would have to be at least a Double Chocolate Milano. No way I’m ruining my Manolos for a Snackwell.

In the study, fifteen brands of cookie were examined to determine which was most lethal. Killer number one was the Custard Cream, followed closely by a Chocolate Biscuit Bar and the deceptively civilized sounding Rich Tea. Digestive and Oat biscuits ranked mid-range killer, while Nice Biscuits, of course, were deemed almost harmless.

It was quite selfless of the Rocky Company to conduct this study: they’re kindly giving the public a heads up about the hazards of cookie eating, even though they are in the business of selling #2 on the hit list. I, for one, am going to throw caution to the wind and purchase some of those scary Custard Creams, but not until I have 911 on my speed dial.


7 Responses
  1. Scot Colford says:

    Regular Milanos (which I call ‘Maloneys’) could easily lure me to my death. Especially if there was a live third rail between me and a bowl of French vanilla ice cream.

  2. joanna Davis says:

    Too funny! Sometimes, the most exercise we get is stretching to the second shelf for our Chips Ahoy. Sadly, I’ve come to the place where I admit I need a Shopping Buddy to keep me away from those cookie and ice cream related injuries, just by keeping me from the offending articles.

    I’ve suffered the odd bout of freezer burn while organizing things in my freezer to get to my Oreo Cookies and Cream ice cream.

    Thanks, Jessica, for calling attention to these snack-related tragedies. I will say, however, that, next to Oreos, I would risk muscle strain in my back for Girl Guide/ Scout cookies!

  3. Robin Sherwood says:

    You know, I really like chocalate biscuits…I beleive I was once pounced on the head by a falling round package off of the grocer’s top shelf.

    They still tasted great, they were almost totally eaten on the walk home.

  4. Michael says:

    Being of Sicilan heritage, my grandparents from Termini Immerse used to make biscotti, but they called them “biscoata” or sometimes “miscoata”; but that was my uncle Angelo and he had a slight speech impediment. They are completely different as what you know as biscotti. They were small and stuffed with nuts and or raisins. Sometimes they had a white icing; great with coffee.

    Another story about cookies is when I was an undergrad, studying a Psych course. I asked my Italian mother if she knew what a libido was; she said she thought it was a cookie from Pepperidge Farm. When I told her what libido meant she asked me to go to confession.

  5. Lloyd says:

    Great blog, I love your tidbits Jessica, you’re the best!

  6. Robert says:

    Imagine the humiliation of sitting around with a group of people and discussing the way in which you had been injured. First person says “It’s an old war wound”. Second person says “I got it running into a burning building to save puppies”. Third person says “Got mine pushing a baby carriage from the path of a speeding car”. Fourth person says “Mine was a coal-mining accident”. This continues on until they reach you, and you have to fess up “Uh, mine was a cookie-related incident. Bad one. Bad cookie.”

  7. Michael Rich says:

    Hi Jessica…LOVED the killer snack and salmon stories… I sometimes talk to fish that I have caught before returning them to their homes and families.. wondering if they get home and have a conversation with their families like ” honey you just wouldn’t believe what happened to me today… the darndest thing…Oh this thing in my mouth…could you help me with it… poor charlie…etc. Always wondering.

    These were almost as good as the script that Cotti Chubb and I were working on with the SNL crew titled ” the Cockroach that ate Manhattan” that was some cockroach.

    Hope you are well and call sometime when you are in the neighborhood..



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