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Cell Phones and Pickles

I just read a new study claiming that cell phones cause cancer. I remember past studies coming to the same ominous conclusion, but this new version contains a scintillating detail. It says that you are about as likely to get cancer from your phone as you are from pickles or coffee.

I wish I’d known this yesterday when my daughter and I took a break from sale shopping to grab a hot dog at Nate ‘N Al’s, which came with awesome pickles. To pump up our shopping energy, we followed that with a Starbuck’s stop, thus putting ourselves at risk for the second time in forty-five minutes. (Luckily, I’d forgotten my cell phone, avoiding a three-fer.) I’m now wondering what other seemingly innocuous things we ate or did that were actually health-threatening.

I mean, let’s zoom in on that hot dog. That’s a no-brainer. No study’s gonna tell me that’s not cancer in a pig skin. But when you go to Nate ‘N Al’s, the hot dog is not optional. It’s Nate ‘N Al’s raison d’etre, in my opinion. So that’s one bite of toxicity I’m willing to take, if only once a year.

But if friendlier foods like pickles and coffee are killers, what about those chocolate-dipped strawberries we got later at Godiva? Also, aside from the edibles, what about the irritation caused by sifting through bad blouses on the Banana Republic sale rack? That must be carcinogenic on some level, as is listening to my daughter’s favorite radio station on the car radio for an extended period, or, later, arguing with the plumber about the price of a faucet installation, or noticing how the Cubs are doing.

Let’s also consider the sweater my daughter bought at Forever 21, which I now suspect was woven from thread harvested in Chernobyl, or her Nike shoes with their suspicious soles. Will her toothpaste cause her tongue to drop off? Will she suffer death by shampoo?

Questions like these are spinning my world today, but I know my frenzy will be short-lived. Give up coffee? Moi? My guess is that, by tomorrow, I’ll throw caution to the wind, brew up some Peet’s Major Dickason’s, jump on my iPhone and join the Picke-of –the-Month Club. If I get to a Cubs game, I meigh even have a second hot dog.


2 Responses
  1. Jean Franken says:

    I wonder just how many people actually pay attention to these “studies”. (And it is well worth considering just how this cell phone study was conducted).

    I also read this week that Marijuana is now considered anti carcinogenic (forgive me, my “hyphen” key is broken ). Another “study” (although, this one sounds like fun). I know, I know, you immediately want to ask: “Well, would it then not be fine to talk on my cell phone and eat my pickles while stoned? Would not the one “good” habit (hitting that bong) immediately mitigate the pickle eating, cell phone talking, hot dog eating, and coffee drinking that is slowly killing us?

    Ah well…best to ask Jane Brody. I’m too high and full of half sours to figure all this out. xxx Jean

  2. Jess,
    Disappointed that you had no funny quips about Father’s Day.Does it count when your kids take you out to dinner with their significant others but I have to pay?

    Well I wanted to play a song by Groucho Marx about Father’s day. I used to sing it to him every Father’s day, I sure miss that alter cocker.

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