My Blah Blah Blog

This week in the news there were not just one, but TWO newsworthy, bird-related D.U.I.s.

One drunk perp was a guy who, when the police pursued him, abandoned his vehicle and hid in a tree. When the police approached his hiding place he called out, “I’m an owl!”

It will come as no surprise to you that the cops did not buy this.

In the other case, the drunk driver had his pet parrot in the car with him, who blew the whistle on her hammered owner, squawking, “He’s drunk!” repeatedly. The police did buy this, and made their arrest.

Now, while I would never condone drunk driving, pretending to be an owl is not, by itself, a harmful act. The smarter move, of course, would be to perch in a tree in your own backyard, rather than in one that you need a Buick to get to. But I’m sure the guy learned this lesson and will apply it in the future when he is inspired (or called upon) to impersonate a bird.

But the parrot thing is pretty stupid. I would never go driving with that (or any other) parrot even if I was as sober as Mitt. That is what I call looking for trouble.

I mean, apparently the authorities consider birds credible witnesses. The cops took Polly at her word, without considering that her command of the language might be imperfect. Maybe she says “He’s drunk!” all the time, regardless of her owner’s condition. Did they consider that? Maybe to the bird those words mean the same as “Did you bring the Triscuits?” or “Must you always listen to REO Speedwagon?” Who knows?

I wouldn’t want to risk doing time because of my feathered, so-called friend with a big mouth and a limited vocabulary. When I drive (which I don’t, but if I did) I am definitely leaving my parrot at home (if I had one, which I don’t).