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More Stupid Burglars

Handcuffsphoto_Handcuffs_547812Apparently it’s been a big year so far for stupid burglars. No sooner did I write a post about the guy who fried chicken at the crime scene than three more stories popped up about burglars making unwise choices.

First there was the guy who stole a two-carat diamond ring. He tried to sell it three hours later, at the shop where the ring had originated. (Hello.) The cops were summoned and the bonehead burglar swallowed the ring, but then had a coughing fit and the thing shot up and rocketed across the room, landing at the feet of a policeman, who (sharp as a tack) put two and two together. (Robbery 101: always swallow jewelry slowly and carefully, preferably chewing it a while first, like your mother told you to do with brisket.)

Then there was the car thief who tried to steal an unmarked police car. He emptied the car of its juicy contents, the Taser, some handcuffs and whatever else police carry around. But, not only did he sting himself with the Taser, he accidentally cuffed his hands together, then called the police for help. (Robbery 101: you are the perp, not the cop. They are supposed to sting and cuff you, you do not need to do it yourself. If you should forget this rule in mid-burgle and find yourself braceleted, call a friend with a hacksaw, not some testy public servant who will put two and two together.)

Finally, there was the guy who stole a SUV and then, leaving it parked in front of his house, went in to play the video game, Grand Theft Auto. That’s where the police found him, and they put two and two together, even faster than the ring guys or the handcuff guys. (Robbery 101: park the stolen car in front of the house of the guy who bullied you in high school not in front of your own. Then go home and snap on the Food Network. If the police drop by, tell them you are busy watching Paula Deen prepare her famous Brunch Burger and they will not put two and two together but instead will go back to Starbucks and leave you alone.)

Comments

3 Responses
  1. F. Andre Fortune says:

    You are as irreverent as ever! Love it!

  2. Lloyd says:

    Jessica, another priceless story, how funny. I read the story about the guy with the diamond ring, silliness.

  3. […] you follow this blog, you know I’ve been noting the recent proliferation of stupid burglars. The latest one to catch my attention was the guy at Bath and Body Works who stole 75 bottles of body […]

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