I was cruising Buzzfeed the other day and noticed an article called 23 Things That Get Way More Exciting As You Get Older. Since I am older than older, I felt qualified to fact check it, with mixed results:
1. Getting socks as a gift
Wrong. If my husband were to give me socks as a gift, I’d retaliate by buying him a frying pan.
2. Fancy kitchen appliances
Uh-uh. The fanciest appliance I have bought in the last couple years is a $12 carrot peeler.
3. Reading online reviews of fancy kitchen appliances.
Nope. Call me a reckless consumer, but I bought my carrot peeler with no input from all those nice people who took the time to praise or condemn it online.
4. Going for walks. Not walking to get somewhere, just…walking.
Allow me to bust that theory: I prefer to walk in order to get somewhere essential, like a nail salon or the therapist’s office. It’s my puppy, the youthful one, who likes “just….walking.” So, we just…walk, my only desired destination being a path where we are unlikely to encounter vicious attack dogs like that f—ing Shih Tzu last weekend.
Okay, you got me there. I love nothing more than a dozen long-stemmed roses!
6. Folding laundry. (It’s so soothing.)
Yes, it is soothing. I could watch my husband do it all day.
7. 401K matching
Nah. I have enough trouble matching my socks.
8. Hobbies that don’t require you to leave the house.
Have you met me? My only hobby is figuring out new excuses to leave the house.
9. Splurging on nice cleaning supplies.
Okay, well, I feel that “nice cleaning supplies” is an oxymoron, but I admit I recently bought some counter spray that smells like parsley, so, yeah.
10. Movies that start before 7.
Yep. I only watch movies before 7, specifically on airplanes. On last week’s noon flight to JFK I saw Night Crawler, which completely distracted me from obsessing about whether the lady next to me had the measles. (BTW, what’s up with Jake G.’s hair? Yuck!)
11. Chill bars where you can actually hear what people are saying.
Oh, yes, I love that. Last Friday the guy at the next table at The Soho Club was all, “So then she says she wants non-fat f—-ing milk. What the f—-? She told me to go back to the f—-ing store and get some fancy-ass non-fat s—t! I said go get your own damn milk! How did I know I was supposed to buy that skim f—-ing s—t!”
It was awesome.
12. Learning about history.
Okay, yeah, right again. I like learning about history. But sometimes it’s just TMI, isn’t it? Do we really need to know that LBJ enjoyed discussing important matters with his senate colleagues while sitting on the toilet? Yes, with his pants down, the whole nine yards! I mean, if I ever find out Lincoln did that I’m moving to Canada.
13. Identifying types of trees.
Trees are like people I meet at a cocktail party: I hug them but can’t remember their names.
Yes, I love silence. It allows me to hear NPR better.
What is that? Is it like HDTV? Oh, okay, I just Googled it. So, yeah. No.
16. Waking up early on weekends.
Oh, no, think it’s unhealthy to get up at dawn on Sundays, although it’s currently necessary due to puppy training. In an effort to train me to rise at six, the pup has adopted the old ”leap on Mom’s face” approach, which is frightfully effective. When I am reluctantly vertical, she works with me on forgoing my morning coffee until after I have filled her bowl with noxious lamb pellets. She is also teaching me to witness her poop and then praise her as if she’d just won an Oscar.
When I have completed these daily exercises, she allows me to make coffee and read the Sunday Style section while she chews mercilessly on a squeaking toy.
When my husband gets up at ten, I hit him with a frying pan and go back to bed.
17. Going to Home Depot.
Actually, my feeling is, if I am a really bad person, when I die I will go to Home Depot for eternity. (Or possibly to a bowling alley.)
18. Shoe insoles.
I love insoles in theory, but have trouble fitting them into my Repetto ballet flats.
19. Custom framing.
My husband and I have our own framing customs. He likes to frame everything. (Is that a dude thing?) Since we have long since run out of wall space, many of his framed items get stacked in the garage. When they have taken up precious space there for way too long, I de-frame the pictures, roll them up, and return them to the garage in that space between the ice cream machine and the waffle iron, items that will also never again see the light of day.
20. Comfortable shoes.
Well, duh! Who doesn’t want comfortable shoes? I totally love them as long as they are made by Nicholas Kirkwood and have two-inch heels. (See photo.)
I am pro-fiber. Not that gnarly kale, though—yuck! It’s like eating a damn shrub! My idea of adding fiber to the diet is sneaking in a little shredded coconut when I make blondies.
22. Furniture shopping
I don’t like furniture shopping so much as shopping in a store that has furniture where I can sit while I try on shoes.
23. Friday nights with no plans.
Capital N, capital O. Wrong. We always have plans on Friday nights: Tom watches ESPN while I catch up on The Good Wife.
So, while I thought the woman who wrote this piece was often off base, when I studied her headshot I understood. She is talking about getting older as in, say, turning thirty-four. When she’s my age, we’ll talk. (Although I will likely be dead by then, in which case she can find me at Home Depot.)